Bonjour 2.0 is apparently incompatible with Windows 8 and Server 2012. Bonjour 3 does not have a public download link. OMGHELP.

Calm it down. Deep breath. Download the iTunes installer from Apple’s website and launch it. When the first dialog box pops up, browse in explorer to %userprofile%\appdata\Local\Temp\1. You will see Bonjour64.msi. Install. The end.